Ever Stay
by Girl With The Dandelion
Summary: Simply a look can break your heart. Or what was left of it. Why are the easiest things to say the hardest things to do?


**Alright, so this takes place a little after the last season of Sailor Moon (Sailor Stars) -sniff- I miss the show!! . Its after the fact that Usagi found out Mamoru had been dead the whole season practically.**

**Songs which aided in the writing: Miss Murder (AFI), Another Heart Calls (All American Rejects), Such as it Ends (Ludo). And I borrowed some lines from Miss Murder (AFI), Fully Alive (Flyleaf), and Dirty Little Secret (All American Rejects) Check em all out, because they rock.**

The sun beat down heavily as I walked down the street. My thoughts were focused on something entirely than the weather though. My Mamo-chan. To think…he'd been gone this whole time. Not breathing, stilled in death. My heart broke at the very thought. Always in the night I would wake up and hold myself and cry my way back into my nightmares. The only time I ever slept peacefully was when Mamoru was next to me, his steady breathing keeping me grounded. And if I had my way, Mamoru slept next to me less and less.  
Surprised? You shouldn't be. This is, after all, inevitable. I had killed him once more! How dare I even _think_ about being with him? I cant be that selfish. I've already been blessed with his miraculous return, how could I expect any happiness beyond that? What gave me the right? No one and nothing. No, I deserved a fate worse than death; a life without Mamoru. My God, I didn't even know he was dead this time! I could live with thinking he'd found someone else, thinking he was too busy being the amazing man he is without me; I could NOT live with him dying. At least in the past, I'd died with him! I didn't have to survive it. However, this time around…I didn't even know…how horrible of a girlfriend am I? Shouldn't I have had a feeling or something? What's wrong with me? I'm the freaking MOON PRINCESS and I didn't even know my other half had died?  
My other half; as in, I'm not whole without him. And yet, I didn't even know I'd been broken. I'm an absolutely horrible person. I need to tell Mamoru. I'm going…we have to break up. _Before_ I kill him. Again. Hmm. Funny. I'm fully aware that I'm breaking this time. Strange. It hurts so much. Like someone is tearing me apart from the inside while burning everything else. It hurts so bad. Dying didn't even hurt this much. Nothing did. Nothing except doing the right thing apparently.

I stopped walking. I stopped breathing too. Who was that in front of me? Of course I'd know that green jacket from anywhere. That black hair.  
The height. The casualty in his stance. My Mamo-chan. I barely had time to react before he turned around. Crap! I didn't want him to see me! Too late.

"Usagi! My love…where the heck have you been? I've been calling you all day. I need to talk to you about something."

As badly as I wanted to wrap my arms around him, I didn't.

"So do I. Let me go first."

Oh my God. The pain. Its incredible.

"Mamoru, we need to break up."

My inside were screaming at me again. I wanted to curl up and cry. I hadn't died yet? Shocking. I want to. The look on my beloveds face made me want to laugh and cry. Simply a look can break your heart. I wanted to laugh just to prove what a big cruel joke this really was. Break up? Ha! That's the last thing in the world I EVER want to do. I wanted to cry because that look he had matched the way I felt.

"Wh-why?

Taking a deep breath I told the biggest lie this world had ever heard, other than true love lasts forever.

"Because. While you were…gone-," I stopped to wince. So did Mamoru.

"I grew up. I outgrew you."

Mamoru was speechless. God, why hadn't I died yet? This sort of pain is supposed to be followed by death right?! He opened his mouth to speak, but then he closed it again.

Mamoru handed me something. It was a jewelry box. Damn it this isn't fair!

"Do what you want with this. I suppose you wont want to marry me now."

I shook my head and whispered, "I can't" And then I took off.

* * *

I was staring at the ring when Minako knocked on my bedroom door. Asking the Sailor of Love to drop by seemed appropriate. I opened the door and heard Minako gasp.

"Usagi, what in the world happened to you?"

I glanced in the mirror. I supposed I looked a little like Death. My clothes were wrinkled, my face was red and I had makeup running down my cheeks from my endless crying. Oh look, it's starting again. I wish they had an off button!

"Mamoru proposed."

Minako opened her mouth to congratulate me (I could see the light in her eyes), but I stopped her with my next words.

"Right after I broke up with him."

I could see her trying to digest what I still couldn't. The words tasted like poison when I spoke them. They _were_ poison. I collapsed to my knees still sobbing. Crying felt so natural. It always did. Whenever I was sad, or angry, it was just second nature for me to cry. It was all I knew how to do perfectly. Minako followed me to the floor and hugged me.

"Usagi…why? Clearly its not what you want!"

I knew that only TOO well.

"Minako…how many times does someone die?"

She looked puzzled, but she answered anyway.

"Once, but what does that have to do with anything?"

My tears ceased flow for now. Good. I needed her to understand me. She spoke again.

"We're the exception I suppose. We've all died at least twice now. Heck, its been three for me. Still, whats your point?"

I could see she was trying to lighten the mood. Ironic. Lightening the mood with talk of her death. Normalcy was way beyond our comprehension after two years of fighting against evil and fighting for love. Still.

"Right. Once. We're all definitely pushing the limit. Beyond the limit. Mamoru has died twice now too. And its all my fault."

Minako saw where I was going with this.

"Usagi, his dying…we didn't even know about it! Its not your fault!"

I laughed. It didn't feel right though. Unnatural. Crazed. Broken. I suppose I should get used to that feeling.  
"Don't kid yourself. It was completely and utterly my fault. You know it in your heart Minako! Don't you dare lie to me!"

She started to say something else, but I beat her to the punch.

"Just go. I thought you could help but…no one can."

Wow! I'm on a roll today; hurting everyone I loved. Maybe I _should_ branch out. After all, my Sailor Scouts died because of me too, and they'd died more than Mamoru! My God I had to have filled my quota for miracles in a lifetime. Anymore tries and I'm afraid- no, mortified- that death this time will be final. Minako addressed my mood and turned to leave. She stopped and looked back at me.

"Mamoru should have a stay in his future, don't you think? Usagi, if the roles were reversed, if Mamoru were leaving for your 'safety,' (she did little air-quotes here), how would you react?"

I had nothing to say, because I knew exactly what I would do. I would fight against his decision. I would tell him just how foolish I thought he was being.

"Here's the thing Minako. The roles aren't reversed."

I could almost feel the chill in the air when Minako replied. "That's the best you can do?"

When I didn't say anything, she really did leave. But not before making me hate myself ever more by saying,

"He deserves better than this." I sunk lower to the ground when she was gone. I know he did. That was why I was in this situation.

I looked at the clock. 10:10. Yet again time for sleep. A horrible, terrifying, nightmare-filled sleep. I'd take a million of those nightmares before I let them become a reality.

* * *

MAMORUPOV  
What Usagi didn't know was that on the nights I was not with her, I would walk by her house around 10:00 just to see if she was asleep yet. Tonight though, I didn't come by until around 11. She left her window open. I'd often told myself I hated it (after all anyone could come in), but tonight I thanked the Moon and stars she'd never listened to me. For once, I could listen to her.

Usagi never talked in her sleep when she was with me. Tonight though, she screamed. It took everything I am to not wake her up from whatever it was she was dreaming of, until she said my name.

"Mamo-chan I love you." She loved me huh? Wish she'd thought of that earlier… "Mamo-chan! I have to leave. So you wont die. I have to Mamo-chan." And then she screamed again. "It hurts! It hurts so much! I have to…" I heard her gasp then.

It did hurt. I hurt. To think Usagi had outgrown me. I always feared she would, but to hear my fears confirmed? It was like someone was tearing me from the inside and burning everything else.

"Mamo-chan."

I had to leave. I had to before she woke up and saw me standing there. I knew now though. She still loved me. She was just being ridiculously foolish. I heard her toss and turn in her bed. I continued my walk.

"Goodbye Usa-ko. I love you too."

* * *

UPOV

"Oh no I'm late!!" 30 seconds after that I was out the door, shoes and uniform on, toast in my mouth. Amazing how everyday life goes on when tragedy is all around. I pushed those thoughts aside. I had to. Instead, I focused on getting to school on time. School. School. School…pain. Pain. Mamo-chan. Grrr. So much for that plan!

I wasn't looking where I was going, and so I ran right into my four girls. Literally. We all collided with each other onto the ground. Rei was the first to complain.

"Usagi, watch where you're going you stupid klutz!"

"Rei-san you're so mean to me!" Its true though, she's so mean to me! Sure, there are some truth to her words, but they still sting.

Minako didn't make eye contact with me. I didn't blame her. I had said some cruel things to her the night before. Then again, I had to right? Suddenly, her eyes focused on someone behind me.

"Konitchiwa." Pain. Mamoru. Pain. Pain. That voice…

"Mamoru-san! No time like the present huh."

"Ehh…Minako, that's not a greeting," Makoto said dryly. Typical Minako. Wrong phrases at the wrong time. What _had_ she meant though? I didn't get to ask because she was too busy ushering away Rei Ami and Makoto. I could hear their protests.

"Usagi…," I stopped him.

"I'm going to be late."

"Since when has that been something you worry about? You're late everyday," he countered. Actually, that wasn't true anymore; not since Mamo-chan had started driving me to school. I hadn't been late for weeks now.

"Does my education mean nothing to you?"

He didn't buy it. "Of course it does, just not to you."

Sighing, I said, "I have to go." I don't want to though. Not in the least bit. Why are the easiest things to say the hardest things to do?

"No you don't. And you don't want to either."

He took a step closer, and so I took a step back. Now, I was against the wall, cornered. "Yes…I do…," I said, my voice wavering. No! I needed to be convincing! Get your act together Usagi! He walked closer.

"No. I wont let you."

"Mamo-chan. I mean Mamoru…" His beautiful head shook.

"No. You meant Mamo-chan. Say what you mean! You know what you meant, so say it!"

How did this happen? I had done so well! I left him to lead a better life, one without my kiss of death. Why was he here? I was resilient in my silence.

"Fine. I'll say what I mean then." Oh God please don't. Please don't break what's left of me.

"I love you." He didn't have to say anything else for me start crying.

"Don't," I whispered. My voice was shaking again. By now, he was a mere centimeter away from my lips. His eyes widened a bit at my words.

"Why in the world wouldn't I?"

That was all it took for me to push him back. I began to walk away after I said,

"Because I wont lose you again." I don't think he heard me because he didn't say anything.

Good. I don't know why I had even said that! It was only another opportunity for me to destroy myself even further. Maybe that's why. Maybe I'm just a masochist. That would explain…a lot.  
_  
Or maybe you know you're being a fool. Maybe you wanted Mamoru to hear you because then he would have known the truth. The truth being your just to afraid of seeing him hurt that you'd rather leave him. Because that doesn't hurt, right?  
_  
Yeah. That's exactly why, God I'm so weak.

* * *

SAILORSCOUTSPOV  
Rei looked at Minako with disbelief written all over her face.

"No way. Usagi? Break up with Mamoru? Impossible." Minako shook her head.

"It's true. And now our Princess is miserable. And so is Mamoru. I tried to get them to confront each other today but going by how she's leaving, it didn't work."

Ami watched the silhouette of Usagi disappear…in the opposite direction from the school building. Then she watched her stop look around and slowly slink back the other way, towards the school building. Then she stopped and turned around again. It looked as if she was skipping school today. Ami frowned when she saw Mamoru just walk away.  
_  
Why doesn't he follow her? Has he given up?  
_  
"Did Usagi give a reason? Or are we left in the dark?"

Minako looked Ami in the eye and said,

"She thinks she protecting him."

Rei snorted.

"She's killing him herself. Only its slower, and more painful than any death he's faced before."

Makoto nodded in agreement.

"You'd think she'd know you cant stop love. Remember when Mamoru broke things off with Usagi to protect her from the "vision" he was kept having? She hated every minute of it!" Amy replied,

"She's being very hypocritical. What do you think Rei?"

No response came because Rei had already left.

* * *

UPOV

"You're an idiot.

My heart was pounding. No one was home, so I ran all the way back to my house, and now I was sitting on my bed when Rei jumped through my open window. I gasped.

"Rei don't sneak up on people like that!" I didn't bother asking why I was an idiot; I'd seen her with Minako-chan. She'd heard of my lunacy no doubt.

"You're an idiot." Rei is so irritating!

"You said that already!"

"I'll say it a thousand more times if that makes you realize how stupid you're being."

I balled my hands into fists.

"Rei you don't understand. I just cant do this anymore!"

I stumbled backwards when she pushed me.

"How dare you? Since when are your problems above and beyond everyone else's? And how dare you act like Mamoru's mother? You don't make life decisions for him. You don't decide if you're bad news for him. That's his job!"

I never got a chance to defend myself because Rei only paused for a millisecond to catch her breath.

"You know what that's like don't you? Don't you Usagi? Remember what it felt like to have someone else decide your future for you? Remember the pain and the misery you felt when Mamoru broke your heart? And remember someone else; did you factor in Chibiusa?  
"Well your beloved daughter just died. Right now. You killed her. She was probably playing with her toys, or enjoying the day with her daddy. Not anymore. She's gone. You killed her. Usagi strikes again, only this time with the life of her child."

No! How dare she?

"Rei, who the hell do you think you are? How could you?"

Rei hardly reacted.

"I think I'm the only one getting through to you. The truth stings doesn't it."

Like a slap to the face. Before I knew it, I was screaming. I had to. It was all I could think of to do. Scream until I couldn't anymore. How did things get this far? This messed up? I kept screaming.

Rei grabbed my notebook, wrote something down, and then she left. I looked down at what it said.  
_  
He died FOR you, not BECAUSE of you. There's a difference. You'd die for him, right?_

In the blink of an eye I'd die for him.

Why'd she write that down? Why didn't she just say it? Oh. Right. I'd been screaming like a friggen banshee. I hadn't even realized I'd stopped.  
Dammit! Why is **MY** decision so difficult to stick by?!? Rei was right though. I hadn't thought about Chibiusa. Mine and Mamoru's daughter. How could I? How could I destroy my child?  
_  
I can't.  
_  
That was my answer.

* * *

MPOV

I'd heard Usagi screaming and I watched Rei storm out of the house. I ran to the door. Why was she screaming?

"I tried. It's all up to you now. Mamo-chan." Rei blushed and walked away. I walked into the house.

* * *

UPOV

He's here. In my room. Oh God. He's here.

"Usa-ko." More tears. This time, I willed them forth. There; at least I have a little control.

"Mamo-chan…I cant hurt you anymore."

He walked closer and grabbed my face in his hands. They felt so warm. So wrong. So right. Wow I'm horribly conflicted aren't I?

"You have NEVER hurt me. If anything, I'm constantly hurting you!"

I opened my mouth to protest his heinous statement, but he put a finger against my lips. I couldn't help myself from kissing his fingertip. What an epic failure I am.

"Usagi Tsukino I have left you too many times. I've been killed, brainwashed, my memory was erased, I sent myself horrifying nightmares and LEFT you, and I got myself killed again! I have done you so many, many wrongs and yet you're standing in front me, failing to convince me _you're _wrong for _me_!? There's something wrong with this."

I know.

"Uh-huh. If you step any closer, you might die."

He groaned.

"There are three days, three different moments, that I relive everyday. The first takes place over a thousand years ago. The memory is of you running to me, and jumping off of a balcony to grab my hand. You knew it was our end, that we were going to die, but still, you jumped. And for a split second, I had to watch you die.

"The second is when you were protecting the Scouts from Fiore and you were killed. My God that moment haunts me everyday."

I was silent through his words until he stopped.

"And the third?"

"Ahh yes, the third. The third is when you found me on the sidewalk and told me you outgrew me. That you didn't love me anymore. Compared to "permanently" losing you, it is only third on the list, but still it hurts."

I gulped in air once I realized I had been holding my breath.

"These three memories will always be in the front of mine. But that's just it Usagi. They're memories. Memories are the past. The past doesn't decide the future."

The past. Our pasts had been intertwined for over a millennium. So in sync, our futures are still together. Or they were until I rained all over them.  
Who was I to mess with tradition?

"Mamoru…I…-"

His lips were suddenly on mine. And they felt so perfect there. Like a puzzle, we fit together. His hands brushed my waist and mine tangled in his hair.

"Love you."

There, I finished. When we parted faces to breathe again, I looked into my Mamo-chan's eyes and smiled a small smile. He broke the silence.

"Why did you leave? I know why, but why?"

I closed my eyes. It was always so much easier for me to be honest if I didn't have to look at anyone's face when doing so.

"Well, you explained part of why. You knew why somewhat. You knew the pain of death never fades. I couldn't bear to lose you again. And I guess the other part is really selfish. Whenever I lose you, the pain is so incredibly outrageous, I cant breathe until I have you back, safely in my arms. I don't like that feeling. I don't like not knowing if this time will be our last. And I don't like being the reason why I've lost you so many times. I hate being the one to blame."

He laced his fingers with mine.

"It is never _ever_ your fault. Ever. How about I promise to never leave you again? In any kind of way?"

My spirits darkened.

"Nightmares come true. That's not a promise you can keep."

"Alright," he revised, "I promise to forever stay with you, whether it be physically or mentally. I will ALWAYS be here. Always; because memories last forever."

I smiled weakly again.

"I can live with that. With you."

I pulled away from him and he groaned wickedly in protest. I loved that sound he made.

"Shh! I'm getting something." My engagement ring. I cant wait to rub its awesomeness in Rei's face!  
_  
Rei…Chibiusa is safe now.  
_  
I wonder if I'll ever tell my daughter about how Mars saved her existence. Only partially though…I wont give her the satisfaction of being completely right.

* * *

SSPOV

Rei pumped her fist into the air.

"Ha! I knew it would work! Magic Maker Rei strikes again!"

Ami, Minako, and Makoto all shook their heads.

"Wasn't it Ami-chan's idea to plant a hearing device in Usagi's room?"

Ami's face turned a violent shade of red.

"I was protecting Small Lady!"

They all broke into laughter.

"Alright Ami, we'll let you stick with that. Rei likes the lemon light better anyway," piped in Minako.

"Its _lime_ light," said Makoto, after she smacked her forehead.

"Sure it is," said Minako, patting Makoto patronizingly.

* * *

UPOV

I looked out my window and smiled at my friends. I looked at my ring and then back to my husband-to-be. Our future looked so blindingly bright, nothing could get in our way, right? I was all worried for nothing…right? How long will the peace really last?  
_  
Don't think negatively…  
_  
It doesn't matter. As long as Mamoru is by my side, we'll make it. I know it. We have to. Right?

* * *

FUTURE (UPOV)

Earlier, I had almost had a heart attack when my daughter Chibiusa had begun to disappear. I'd screamed for Endymion to come, and when he did we held onto our child for dear life. All through the day and the night she had remained transparent. Something was happening to Endymion and me in the past. What was it? What would have our child between life and non-existence?? And then the memory slapped me in the face like a ton of bricks. I called my husband Endymion aside. We each kept both of our eyes on Chibiusa, making sure she was still there. Assuring ourselves she didn't die-no, disappear. _She will never die. Ever. She's a child of the Moon and the Earth. She is immortal. She has to be…besides, I remember the past. I know what's happening to her._

"Its me. Its me when I decided to try and leave you. Do you remember? I'm why this is happening to her!" _Thank God for Rei._

"My third memory…"

I nodded. Damn myself and my stupidity!

How much longer did we have until the Usagi of the past made up her mind. How much longer did I have to fret about the life of my daughter?  
Relief washed over me when I saw Chibiusa fade back into being fully alive. Endymion grabbed my hand and kissed it.

"Looks like you've decided."

Chibiusa crawled out of bed and into my lap.

"Momma, what was that all about?"

She will never know that Mars had _anything_ to do with it. I'll keep my dirty little secret. I winked at her and said,

"Your momma was just being silly."

**Author's Note: **PHEW! I totally outdid myself. 4,000 words?? EPIC! At least for me, the queen of the shortest fics ever….anyway, what did y'all think? Did you like? Did you hate? LET ME KNOWWWW. It was just an idea I had spilling around in my brains. If it confused you at all, lemme know, I'd be glad to explain the inner workings of my mixed up mind! x]


End file.
